The Investment Banker
Updated: Nov 5, 2020
I went out with an investment banker and he couldn’t complete a sentence without yawning. But, I knew the 70-hour work week was worth it when he graciously paid for the $42 cocktails** on our date--as well as the grass-fed espressos he needed between drinks to keep his eyes open. Perks of being an investment banker: you need not cover your mouth when you yawn, for it is during the open-mouthed “ahh” that we plebeians catch a glimpse of the incisors. Only someone with full dental coverage could afford the type of dentistry that went into my date’s very white, very straight teeth.
Speaking of white and straight… if you need an “in” to the heteronormative social scene, look no further. Banking events are the wet dreams of every upper-middle class, WASP family. Topics of discussion may include: what restaurant cooks the best steak and the last time you snorted cocaine.
I learned a lot during my time with the investment banker. For instance, how does one obtain a position as an investment banker? Well, it’s a process. Like they say, what comes easy won’t last long and what lasts long won’t come easy. That was either about getting a job as an investment banker, or having sex with one. Can’t remember which.
Steps to becoming an investment banker.
Get into college. *Ivy League only (but not Cornell)
Get into an Ivy League by any means necessary. A state university is simply not good enough. And, according to a source of mine (who is, in fact, an investment banker), “Cornell is the stunted child of the Ivy League Family. It is the awkward, underdeveloped, bowl-cut teen male with brackish, pimpled skin.” To get into an Ivy League, you can study hard, maintain a good GPA, get a decent ACT score, and participate in extracurriculars. Or, if you have the luxury of sharing a last name with a major donor, convince your parents to set up a meeting with the head of the university. Tell them you will hand over all your Bitcoins.
Join a fraternity.
If there is no net worth associated with your family name, a fraternity is your best shot at getting into the ever-exclusive club of trust fund babies. Be sure to feign your socioeconomic status by offering to Venmo your WASP brothers for the weekend booze. And when you can’t--because you’re poor--just say you have shitty service and you’ll resend on wifi… it’s the thought that counts. Fraternity duties may include binge drinking, drug use, and careless sex. If any of these activities sound unappealing to you, you’ll have to get over it. Success requires sacrifice, especially if you dream of investment banking.
Get an internship at your frat brothers’ dad’s company.
Your summers could be spent traveling (what 18 year old has money for that… you’d definitely be camping), but traveling (camping) doesn’t get you a table at Baby Grand. Ass-kissing does. Get a job working for your rich friend’s dad. Applying for internships can be hard work, but if you utilize your resources, you’ll find yourself pouring coffee at Goldman in no time. Just wait until Ryan/Michael/Nate/Conor is sufficiently drunk, then ask him if their rich (but don’t say rich out loud) dad is looking for an intern over the summer. If he seems apprehensive, compliment his boat shoes. He’ll love that.
Eliminate all work boundaries.
You’re almost there! You’ve gotten into an Ivy League, joined a fraternity, and worked hard pouring coffees for narcissists. All that’s standing between you and your dream life as an investment banker is work boundaries. In more conventional settings/offices with integrity, boundaries may include leaving the office before the next day. Employees may do this because they want to see their families, shit in their own house, or maintain a sense of self-respect. But, in banking, we have the pleasure of throwing all health and wellness concerns to the skies! An investment banker must never establish work boundaries. They must work as long and hard as they are asked--and then a little more after that--without every complaining. Complaining is for pussies, and everybody knows investment bankers don’t have pussies! They have penises! Duh. You may be wondering, “When do they sleep?” They don’t, you dimwit. That’s what cocaine is for.
**Investment bankers don’t go on dinner dates because they don’t eat. (too much Adderall)
Photo By: Kelly Balch