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  • Lena Drake

The Actor

Updated: Nov 5, 2020

An actor’s process is a delicate journey. Acting takes perseverance, preparation, and commitment (to the craft, not your significant other). It would be unprofessional to ask an actor to contain their desires and impulses--that would impede their ability to carry out a magnificent scene! Here are some ways actors can build chemistry with their co-star:

  1. Ignore significant other’s FaceTime calls in the presence of co-star. If anyone asks, say it’s your cousin in rehab asking you to buy her crack. This will both distract and evoke sympathy.

  2. Change your background from your girlfriend’s face to the face of Daniel Day Lewis (this will help everyone on set know you’ve watched movies before).

  3. Flirt with co-star whilst at crafty. Offer to make her a coffee (never food if she’s a model--they don't’ eat unless it’s for an Instagram photo).

  4. If co-star stalks you on social media and asks about the girl in all your pictures, say it’s your girlfriend who emotionally abuses you. You’re vulnerable and afraid. You’re going to break up with her ASAP. You promise.

  5. Tell everyone you’re method. That way the first time you hookup with co-star it can be “to experience the character’s life.” All the times after that, it’s because you feel a strong “connection.” Didn’t you know? Acting is all about the connection… of the genitals.

  6. …..

  7. Sorry about 6, I was too busy jacking myself off. Back to business.

  8. Explain to your girlfriend that an actor’s life on location can be difficult. You get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to live in beautiful cities around the world while pursuing your passions all day, playing pretending and strengthening your imagination. When girlfriend takes pity on your situation and offers to fly out, tell her it would be too much of a distraction. Your co-star isn’t a distraction because spooning her in your trailer will further your career.

  9. When filming ends and it’s time to fly home, tell your co-star you’re going to be together forever. Then, once you get home and realize you don’t know your co-star from a desk chair, tell your girlfriend that you made a mistake and realized she’s the one, she’s your rock. During filming, you had to make sacrifices. You had to put in the work, both on the script and on your co-star’s poonaynay. Because that’s what real artists do. Be sure to keep liking your co-star’s photos so your fans can see. Tell your girlfriend it’ll never happen again… until… you book… your next… movie… BABY I’M AN ARTIST!! I CAN’T CONTROL MY IMPULSES! I’M A STALLION! I’M A SHOWSTOPPER! I AM DANIEL DAY LEWIS!

Photo By: Kelly Balch

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