• Lena Drake

The Six Sticks

Updated: Nov 5, 2020



  1. Wake up at 6am because “gains.”

  2. Put on Inside Lacrosse. Take a deep breath, inhale motivation, exhale negativity.

  3. Visualize winning. Expel thoughts of losing. Expel failure. Expel your bowels.

  4. Admire naked body in mirror. Flex. Unflex. Notice the crazy difference. Jack yourself off. Take a lukewarm shower so you can tell coach you took a cold shower. He will be impressed. Also tell teammates and girls you sleep with.

  5. Guys who take cold showers have big dicks… well, not during the shower--but, ya know, generally. Because people who can be cold are tough… and tough guys have big dicks. Ibsofacto: you are the man.

  6. Brush your hair. It takes 100 strokes a day to keep the flow flowing. Put hat on. Take hat off. Better to be cold and let the horsey mane shine.Remember, cold = big dick.

  7. Put on Nike getup procured from TJMaxx because Nike is fucking expensive and all other $$ went to brewskies.

  8. Hop on motorized scooter and scoot to the gym. Here you will “gains” and have an orgy with your teammates.



Photo By: Kelly Balch

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