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  • Lena Drake

Phases of Procuring a Free Flight

Updated: Jan 22, 2022

Some expertise in the emotional manipulation of conglomerates for capital gain. In this case, how to change a flight:

I'd like to start by saying, it's always worth it. The hand-sweating before the call, the undeniable horror of being "on hold," the nerve-wracking moment when you finally get a real, live person on, the even greater nerve-wracking moment when you have to ask to speak to a manager--and you hear the voice change from $30,000/year to $40,000/year with benefits. All these tiny terrors are worth it because this is America. And in America, we like to win... and sue people.

Phase 1: Introduction

Let them know you are a loyal Delta customer. This phase is all about romance. Make them think that it's just them, that it's always been them. Tickle their fancy and cuddle their ballsack--the more flattery to start the more money in the end. Tell them you are a student and have spent all of your student loan money on 40s. If they don't condone alcoholism, tell them you've been working hard selling your body for sex and your organs for medical research trying to save up for this flight. But like, it's still so expensive. And you don't have many organs left.

Phase 2: Hang up and call back

If they haven't offered to name their firstborn after you yet, it means they're probably a narcissist. You won't have any luck with one of those, so hang up and call again. You'll almost always get a new customer support rep on the line. This one may have a heart--or just less of a backbone.

Phase 3: Sob story

Tell the new Delta rep you have found yourself in a pickle. You were looking forward to a trip home to Kansas be with ma and pa, but an unforeseen tragedy has left you with no option but to fly to Chicago instead. Say that you received a sorrowful phone call from your cousin where he revealed he has recently been diagnosed with stupid. His entire life has been flipped upside down. He can't drive, can't read, can't even eat--without help from a strong, smart woman. You! And as much as you want to keep your original flight to Kansas to spend the holidays with your ma and pa, you cannot fathom leaving your gay best friends--I mean cousin unattended in Chicago. He is in need. There is only ONE person helpful enough to get him through this. That's you.

Phase 4: Threaten connections

If they don't buy EVEN THAT, tell them you're friends with Logan Paul and he will post an anti-Delta caption on his IG. Ask them how helpful that would be for business. Likely not very helpful at all. Har har. Har har.

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